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from the bottom of my.............

Jan. 4th, 2006 | 08:00 pm
mood: optimistic optimistic
music: Hedwig and the angry inch

So the time has come to write another drawn out account of miss spelled hellishness. And away we go........

it was posed as a question to me about how i feel, i think?

To be quite honast i couldn't agree more, times i feel it is the right thing to do, and just stay the fuck out of it. Then along the way as it seems to be the right thing to do, there is allways this looming sensation of there being something seriously missing. I want to be a good brother, and try to take it on and it doesn't turn out how i expect it to. It comes crashing down to thinking that i am supose to leave people alone with their problems. Where the fuck do i fit into that? Sometimes I can't even remember how and why things have gotten to this point, and honastly don't see why it seems soo impossible to have healthy relation with those i am related to. Soo much has changed in my life for better or for worse.
My part is all i can change
Skate out of any self analisys and discomfort, or embrase the people who know me the best in the world. I want to be there if people need me, no matter and all differenceds aside. To make sure that the ones i love know that i do no matter how difficult it seems. For you my sister wether we are speaking or not, on opposite sides of the world or down the street, you know i allways love you. If you ever need anything, i want to be a part of it.

Man I love Hedwig!!!!!!!!

As she lays sbobbing on the couch........

Dec. 4th, 2005 | 10:26 am
mood: crushed crushed
music: super sounds of silence

So i haven't posted since August of last year, in ways nothing has changed and others have turned the world upside down. probable due to the previous. none the less i have decided to blow the dust off the perverbial key board and go back to exercizing thsi muscle out of atrophy, in blind hopes of regaining what i thought was once good in my metal life. Maybe the people i hurt and love the most will have the same results. the sistuation is like a bad joke you have told except you have to keep telling it over and over, that is the funny things about mistakes. The most improtant person in my life, other than my self ov corse, has sunk to the lowest level i have ever seen her. I am not sure how i can aid some one who is sick when i find my self in that same place in my own head. I need to be assuming the roles of a mother, best riend, lover, and spouse, while some how combatting my own demons. all along the way bing the source of some one elses missery it makes it very difficult to be of any use to any one. the ebb and flow of the universe isn't much use to me while siding blinly along the wayside, not even paying attention to what the score is. sometimes i am just overwhelmed, and too different to view things in the same light, as the world around me. this my seem lazy or indifferent to some, but stil what is good is being blinded by the light in a situation like this. so any one up for some tennis......
to me, i have this lame hope that ramble off unsructured paragraphs n the computer will help me come to terms with my failures and potential short commmings. How far out is that? maybe after some time and practice there is hope to walk again, but as they say one must cral first. where is the hard bitten realist when i need him, probably out in a nickle porn both some where jerking him self into a froth, trying to avoid the harsh reality of discomfort in life around him. The problem with reality is that it usually isn't to pleasent, how is being in a degraded state any better, left with only a sore cock and a mess to clean up. At lease it feels better at the time, and makes the crying hurt that much less.
On the other hand, my right one is getting tierd of stroking, The concept of seeing how i feel in a constructive way could only lead up from here. If remaining blind to a situation, then there isn't any difference if the light is comming or not. Got to get out of the dark, I know that i should be doing any thing i can to work my way back the the person i thought i once was, there is just a big shell of a man to fill up it seems some times. but i have known such worse places in my life, why would this one be any harder or different. How can i be of some use to the world around me? so go with the idia that just a spoon full of sugar till it is an actualilty in my life and then the sound of tears can fade away into the night just as severly as the came about. Isn't it just down right selfcentered of me to think i am the alfa and omega to all this, if so then it is equally selfish to expect any one to want to sit in my dark hole with me.
Seve, set, match...............

testicular overdrive

Aug. 4th, 2004 | 03:04 pm
mood: ecstatic ecstatic
music: jaw breaker

fuck! shit! fuck!

Talk about rhe company we keep, recently my best friend in the whole world was released from prison after five years with out any term of parole.  This man was a Junkie a lier and a thief,  much like my self at the time no one was safe from his harm.  Today stands in fromt of me a man of the greatest integrity I have ever know.  One of the only people I know that I trust with my child, future wife, amd the key to my home.  After all that I have seen and done along side of this man I have to admit I had reservations about what my involvement with him would become.  I have had a long road of dealing with the changes I have made in my own life and removing my self form the hazardious people of that past.  After all this time losing the people I was closest to was the hardest part of moving forward, and losing him as my brother was the most devistating of all.  I mean he is no angel by any standards, nor have i found my self agreeeing with his personal choices, but along the way the guy just seemed to find the way, much compaiable to my own, to survive, and be a positive contribution to the world he comes in contact with.  He has shown such conviction to these values in ways I have never seen most of the recovering people I know, though that may sound rightious and judgmental,  but he has done nothing but astound me beyaond and expectaions I could have made for him.  though I have resolved to not set any on him, in my own reserved and guarded way, I did any ways, and I find my self beeming with pride and and sence of getting something back that I was robbed of a long time ago.  This was the thing i have longed for the most in my life since I recoverd, to see a junkie who still suffers pull through and find a sence of peace in them selves couldn't be bought, sold or give at any price.  Today I feel my life is complete, by being ablle to assist a real frined in becoming who he was intended to become.  Or maybe all if this is just a case of gas,  or the lack of ciggeretts talking.       

Skeletons beating down my closet door

Jul. 13th, 2004 | 11:13 pm
mood: drained drained
music: SLAYER

There is much to be said for the company we keep as i have posted bfore, and still i am reminded why i have to participate in a constant maintaing of spitual priciples. Even when i means eating a little crow Like this. I just have to remember that if i want to be able to assist any one I must first attend to my own demons. Gen: Through the majority of our relationship I use behind her back, constanly hiding the fact. I carried a deep hatred towards her for this fact, and I carried on to when she tried to keep me sober. Thinking that she had enough strength to do for me what no person could, Keep me sober. to this day I believe I was unsucessful because of her controling my decition to get clean. I did it for her and not my self. Self Esteem: -I am Maker of my own destiny. (How others see me, lack of control, being incapable, relying on others) -I am capable of dealing with my own problems. (relying on others, being unable, reality, lack of control, acountibility) -I am not to be threatened, or manipulated. (looking bad, lack of control, lack of trust, being incapable) Pride: -No one should be with some one who does this. (unloved, how others see me, unimportant, lack of identity, being alone, consiquences) -No one should Tell me what to do. (unimportant, unloved, controled, how others see me/ looking bad, lack of control, relying on others) -Who is she to think she can make me sober. (incapable, lack of trust, relying on others, looking bad) Ambition: -I want to be able to do this on my own. (lack of control, being controled, failure, consiquences) -I want a girl freind who understands this. (alone, unloved, misunderstood, consiquenses/responsibility, reality) -I want out of this all. (facing reality, responseibility, being honast, control, unimportant, unloved, failure) Secutity: -I need to take my own lift to solve this. (unloved responseibility, alone, unimportatnt, beyond human aid, being honast, reality) -I need to be on my own through this. (incapable, accountable, reality, unimportant, unloved, lack of trust, relying on others) -I need another shot to be ok. ( reality, consiquenses, trust, being honast, reality, responsibility, work, being wrong, giulty) Personal Relations: -My girlfriend should not need to change who i am. (control, unimportant, unloved, alone, unimportant, responsibility, failure, change, being wrong, how others see me) Sex Relations: -Woman are too controlling. (control, unloved, unimportant, incapable, looking bad, being wrong, being honast, responsibility) Pocket Book: -no one should take my freedom to choose from me. (looking bad, control, lack of control, being wrong, being honast) Selfish and self seeking: I began to use agin and blamed her for it as my excuse to get high. I stloe money from her to get high and justified it to my self by blaming her for controling my self. I took advantage of her parents willingness to help me, by borrowing money that I still havent payed back. I have avoided contact with her for years due to deep feelings of anger still left, neglecting to apologize for how I harmed her. I justified being unfaithful to her while she was abroad at school and with my mistress heroin. Dishonast: I hid my use from her the whole time we dated. I lied about money on countless occations with her and her family. I cheated on her and never told her. I convinced my self i wasn't doing anything wrong. Harm: Blamed her for the failure in our relationship, ignoring my wrongs Kept her in a relationship that I didn't respect, draging her through the ringer as I went through it. Bad mouthed her to others in order to justify myself, and my behavior, telling of her short commings and not mine.

Toilet seat afirmations

May. 24th, 2004 | 10:43 pm

This is just the begining......
And So it begins, my new, soon to out live it's self, affirmation to take a searching and fearless moral inventory of my self. The slight twist is now it will be posted on line for anyone who cares to see it. Though this is performed with out the guidance of a trained professional, here goes anyway.
Disclaimer: For all who may be involved in the entry's that follow, the names have been changed to protect the Innocent, or at least abbreviated, as to prevent causing any of these people any further harm than I may have already caused them. When one suffers a self centered disease, other peoples names aren't very important any ways. Besides I usually end up the bad guy in all these any ways. So just sit back and enjoy the fear driven ride through all my short comings, fears, and other pleasantries.

"God, please help me to see the truth about what is blocking me from you, my self, and others."
1) Gen.
R.E. Telling my sister i was stalking her
Self Esteem:
-I am not stalking her (looking bad, how others see me)
-I am over this relationship (not important, being alone, being wrong)
-I am better than her (how others see me, looking bad, unimportant, being judged poorly)

-No one should listen to her (being judged, looking bad, unloved, doubted, being wrong)
-No one should believe i could do that (looking bad)
No one should have to put up with this ( responseability, being wrong, unloved)

-I want others to side with me (being alone, being judged, looking bad)
-I want her to just leave me alone ( consiquences, acountibility, unimportant)

-I need people not to talk about me when i am not there to be ok ( unimportant, being judged, unloved, alone, responsibility)
-I need to avoid her to be to be ok (confrontation, unimportatnt, responseability)
I need pople to keep their opinions to them selves to be ok (unimportant, being judged, unloved)

Personal Relations:
- My friends should not bad mouth me to my family (unloved, being judged, being helpless)
-My friends should believe me over her (being alone, being judged, looking bad)

Sex Relations:
-Men are viewed automaticly guilty in this situation (being judged, responsibility, looking bad)
-women are always comming up with far fetched stuff like this (being different, looking bad, how others see me, unimportant)

Pocket book (money):
-No one should threaten my famiilies opinion of me ( how others see me, unloved, unimportant)
-No one should threaten where i feel comfortable (responseability)
-No one should threaten my freedom (being wrong, accountability, looking bad, getting locked up)

Selfish self seeking =
-I continued to drink heavily and blame others for my problems.
-I blamed her for believing i was stalking her and avoided places where I might have to see her.
-I told people how "fucked up" she was trying to get people to side with me

Dishonast =
-I blew the whole thing out of context based on what I herd she had said
-saw only her faults instead of seenig all the harms i had caused her through our relationship, avoided my own mistakes
Believed she was the bad person in the situation in stead of seeing she was just reacting to my behavior
Fears = (listed above)

I still consantly avoid her and the people we commonly know, balk on my step work as to not to have to admit to how I hurt her during our relationship(lies, thieft, unfaithfullness, etc.), bad mouth how she acted through out the time we were together and after. Denied that she was deserving of compassion and understanding in the situationnot realizing she was doing the best she knew how to be in the situation.

swillin' pleasent tasting cherry syrup

Feb. 4th, 2004 | 12:18 am
mood: indescribable indescribable
music: James Brown

Today I have been given my freedom. So the sheep skin from the state says. Just another material possession for sacrificial burning, a late night drive into the desert south of town. A letter from the local correctional institution form a long gone dropped hammer, another reminder of the life left along the roadside, and still nothing is different form any other day. A endorsed letter form the state of Idaho of this nature should have some greater impact on my life, though only destind to be in a frame hanging in a frame above my toilet. That or scattered ashes at the belly of the beast it's self. Regardless the changes in my life came long before I was even released. I have never imagined that my life could have come to the point where it is. My conceivable only included my desire for something better, nothing even concievable to what it is now. It is all gravy. All through out all of this leaves me with the same sensation of exceeding the recommended dose of the leading over the counter cough remedy. The sum total of low life counting on one hand what he has accomplished. Dreamily revisiting the horrible past which keeps me from returning to a life that I had resined to never be able to get away from. Today the letter arrived, this two time looser, has served his time. Now it is time for a long drive into the desert to start a small fire and leave the past behind me.

prosthetic testicles, friend or foe?

Feb. 1st, 2004 | 06:06 pm
mood: nostalgic nostalgic
music: Warlock Pinchers

As life trudges along, I find myself forming strange fascinations with places strictly related to the people whom reside there. A new found love for small town Idaho, and a longing for a town in the mid west that I have never known. I realize how this is due to periods of time, moments experienced, and mostly the people who I love and miss so dearly. Though oddly enough it all come with an association to the places that they reside. Seems to me i have got a lot of traveling to do, or I could just waste my life away searching for the copy of Deadly Kung FU Action. Either way at least I have goals in life.

Mindless Dribble

Jan. 28th, 2004 | 11:01 pm

Trafficking, conspiracy, and madatory sentences of 7 years. So the story went on and on. Time is only passed well with this kind of subject matter. Hearing stories like this only make me Question who my friend really are. Something to be said for the company you keep, I guess. Though it is just a recount from a past life not too far from my own, as I hear a loud fuck you from the peanut gallery. time like these i wounder who need friends. I am going through ora gel like it is crack cocaine, and if my teeth don't stop bleeding soon I will have to call for drastic measures. On the other side, I had a long involved interaction with a healthier side of life. Full turkey dinners, tee ball sign up's, and making sweet love in the day on the couch. Comparitively the two leave me sitting in the middle, not knowing which side I belong on. Unable to relate to either fully. One is much is much sweeter than the other, but the other is my better nature. JUst a reminder that old habits are hard to break